By Paula Caplan
In 1990, Paula Caplan, a nationally well-known specialist at the psychology of ladies, wrote the groundbreaking do not Blame mom . Now, nearly ten years later, she unearths that we're nonetheless blaming moms. absolutely revised up-to-date with a brand new creation, this moment variation prposes new methods of mending the mother-daughter courting. the recent do not Blame mom: Mending the Mother-Daughter dating exhibits us that risky myths approximately moms pervade our tradition and have created or irritated a few of the difficulties among moms and daughters. Myths of the "Perfect mom" supply upward thrust to most unlikely expectancies and set moms up for failure - solid moms do not get offended, solid moms are perpetually giving - and myths of the "Bad mom" exaggerate moms' failings and create a monster determine in her image-mothers are too needy, moms cannot permit cross. Caplan exhibits that if ladies can determine those myths then they could take concrete steps to construct a robust and loving courting with their moms. the recent do not Blame mom indicates how the anger and suffering of the mother-daughter dating should be changed with a brand new bond in line with knowing and admire. the hot do not Blame mom is a needs to learn for all moms and daughters. Caplan, drawing on over twenty-five years of study, medical perform, and the adventure of workshop members, will allow you to cease blaming mom and, as an alternative, begin loving her.
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Additional resources for The New Don't Blame Mother : Mending the Mother-Daughter Relationship
Example text
In addition, insecurity makes us exaggerate the slightest criticism from other people; even if our mother mostly loves and admires us, we won’t see it. Listen to Betty, who in her midfifties had enrolled in law school after raising three children: After I graduated from law school, my first job was with a huge law firm that had never hired a Black woman before. The senior partners were especially tough on me, and my self-confidence—which had never been terrific but had improved when I did well in law school—just plummeted.
And you’d be mortified. That kind of practical problem is a symptom of the fact that mother-blame limits your freedom: you can’t be an adult who freely considers all of life’s possibilities. You restrict yourself to certain activities, interests, and friends to prove how different from Mother you are. You can’t look honestly at who you are, because you might discover ways that you are like her! Frantic to avoid what you consider her failures, you overreact, throwing 1 2 The New Don’t Blame Mother out the good with the bad: you grow tough because you think she’s sentimental, or you become a doormat because she wasn’t warm enough.
Fear of Repetition If we weren’t deeply affected by mother-blaming, we wouldn’t fear being compared to our mothers; we could even be proud. Blaming our mothers harms us, because what we believe about our moth- Such Love, Such Rage 29 ers, we often suspect about ourselves. It’s hard to find a woman who does not spend time thinking she acts just like her mother, or that she is very different from her mother, or both. In all of those thoughts, her mother is the standard, so what she believes about her mother matters a great deal.